Don’t get me wrong, we appreciate the faith in our more pleasing qualities and a compliment is always going to be welcome. However to be frankly honest with you all, the worst thing you can tell some who’s single is that you can’t believe they’re still single.
This is particularly true if they aren’t exactly thrilled to be single at that very moment. Should this person be at the stage where they are choosing to be a “lone wolf” then it really isn’t a problem. Obviously, for the time being, the life of a wandering nomad of love fits them.
On the other side of the spectrum, to someone who has been going on date-after-date, only to end with it going nowhere (except to bed alone), reminding them of their single status just isn’t productive.
Somewhere in the world is a fraternity of men, and woman, who gather together to ask the question, “How is it that I’m still single?”
And for the sake of this article, “Why do people keep reminding me of this?”
These questions result in the singleton to create a mental listing of all of their “marketable qualities” a potential partner could be looking for:
- I can cook (boil water)
- I’m clean (in the one corner of the apartment)
- I know how to tie my shoes (velcro)
- I have a job (this week)
- I’m not an ugly C.H.U.D. (yay, 80′s horror reference)
- I’ve never been convicted of a felony (I just can’t go back to Texas)
- My dog/cat loves me (when I feed him)
- Etc…etc…
Being a 32-year-old single male, I’ve heard these remarks filled with good intentions a-many-of-times.
Recently a friend said, “I am still shocked nobody has scooped you up yet.” Considering the number of times I’ve heard this, (I swear from people other than my parents), the only appropriate response from me was, “Right!?”
Not long before that conversation this exchange occurred on Twitter with a friend I’ve known since high school, possibly middle school.
It wasn’t long before I turned to social media and asked the question, “What type of advice/comments annoy you the most about being single?”
Below are some of those responses and the relationship status (if known) of the individual dispensing said fortune cookie-like prose:
- “I’m glad I don’t have to worry about dating anymore.” – married
- “It’s tough out there.” – married
- “Be okay with alone time.” – single and bitter against women
- “Love yourself and then people love you.” – single
- “Get a hobby.” – unknown
- “I’ve been in your shoes. You’re just not ready yet.” – unknown
- “The universe will know when it’s right.” – in a relationship
- “Maybe your standards are too high/low.” – unknown
- “Stop looking, then you’ll find him/her.” – single/in a relationship/married
I’m reminded of a scene in the As Fast As She Can episode of How I Met Your Mother during Season Four(4). The character of Stella (Sarah Chalke) tells Ted (Josh Radnor) a story about how she once got out of a speeding ticket. Stopped on the side of the road, the officer walked up to the driver side window and said “Young lady, I’ve been waiting for you all day.” She replied with, “I’m sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could.” Charmed by her comment he then gave her a warning. This is actually a very old joke that people have been telling for years.
Stella proceeded to tell Ted that no matter how frustrating it may be for him on this search for a wife, that the woman who he’s meant to spend the rest of his life with is simply trying to get there as fast as she can.
I won’t shovel a lot of the drivel mentioned above. The most I can say is that Stella’s story is something we, those of a single status, should remember.
Until that woman, or man, catches up to you; until you met the one you give a ring to, or accept one from…just listen to whatever words others give you knowing that their intentions are good, and their hearts are pure.
…plus you can always go get a beer after.
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February 12th, 2013 at 6:44 am
You should watch the movie “Timer” on Netflix.
February 12th, 2013 at 6:08 pm
Memory recalls you writing something about that flick before. I’ll try to remember to add it to my queue when I finish watching ‘Howling V’.
February 12th, 2013 at 8:46 am
One of the most logical ideas I’ve heard on this topic came from a therapist who focuses on couples’ counseling. In essence, those who are in relationships tend to be in relationships, and those who are single tend to be single, because they develop the skill sets for those statuses. For someone who has been in a relationship for years, even if not with the same person but with little time in between partners, relationship skills develop over that time period and become natural. For someone who has been single for years, the skills for taking care of oneself develop, and the communication, negotiation, mutual respect, and other such skill sets that aren’t natural when being “alone” simply aren’t cultivated.
Think of it like having a roommate: when you’re living with another person, natural reservations occur simply because another person is around; whereas, when you’re living by yourself, you can sprawl out and take over the entire place. Often, people who have never lived alone cannot fathom the idea of doing so, yet people who do say they would hate having a roommate. It’s really the same concept, just on a larger scale, with relationships.
Plus, our societal focus on romantic love and a Hollywood fairytale doesn’t help. Most people, whether single or in relationships, are looking for something that simply doesn’t exist, but that we’ve been led to believe is a state of perfection and bliss, where angels sing and fireworks explode at every touch from that magic person found like a needle in a stack of other fucking needles. It’s ridiculous. Our expectations are absurd, and it’s often not until we are in a relationship that we realize just how off our perceptions are.
The fact is, relationships are hard. Not just romantic relationships, but all forms of relationships. Dealing with other people is hard, and it’s not something we learn anywhere other than inside of those relationships. We’re brought up believing that all we need to learn in order to succeed in life is what we’re taught in school, and that if we have enough school, we’ll land the perfect job and somewhere along the way Mr. or Ms. Right will stroll into our lives like a mysterious traveler and catch our attention so strongly that we’ll “just know” we’re meant to be together. Unfortunately, that’s complete bullshit.
February 12th, 2013 at 6:26 pm
A LOT of great points Keli.
I’m curious what your take is then for those who fall in the middle of their living situations. For example, I’ve probably spent close to an equal amount of time living alone as I have with roommates, and in some cases girlfriends (at the time). Obviously there are dozens of factors that could come into play on why things worked, or didn’t work, with any of those living situations. It has been my experience that when living with someone (platonic, romantic, or otherwise) the quality of life will depend on the level of respect all parties have for each other.
You just had to mention Hollywood and all that jazz didn’t you? I could write a 500 page thesis on that particular topic. I do agree with you 100%. Movies, TV, Books, (etc.) all make it more and more difficult to find a REAL relationship.
For some men we have the ‘Superhero’ complex where we’ll meet a woman doing some sort of life-saving act (or maybe just helping her carry some heavy furniture). Some women romanticize about passionate or forbidden love; like Twilight or 50 Shades of Grey.
I’ll admit that I’m occasionally guilty for getting caught up in a John Cusack flick, wanting to pull a Lloyd Dobler; or imagine watching some cute girl walk into Panera while I’m reading a book…and having that shared “slow motion moment”.
And during those times I have good friends to smack me around to pull me back to reality.
February 12th, 2013 at 1:11 pm
I love everything about this post!
I can’t even begin to describe how much I hate when people ask “how are you even single?!” Or any question similar to that. If I knew why I was single, I would’ve fixed it a long time ago.
Also, I reallyyyyy dislike getting advice on being single. Your bullet points sum it perfectly! My favorite, and my favorite I mean the worst one, is “you just need to stop looking.” I’m not even fully sure I know what that means because it’s not like I’m wearing a sign over my head saying hey! i’m still single, please date me! LOL.
February 12th, 2013 at 6:13 pm
Thank you!
There are two ways I look at the “you have to stop looking” advice.
1.) Even though more and more women are taking initiative when it comes to dating and approach a guy, this is mostly useless for a guy. If we stop looking, odds are we’re not going to end up going on any dates.
2.) Telling someone you have to stop looking for someone, and they’ll find you, is as ridiculous as telling someone searching for a job to stop looking and it will find them.
February 12th, 2013 at 4:05 pm
I would have to agree with dsantos85. Last year I had a coworker tell me I was the ultimate woman and then inquired as to why I was not married. Since I tend to be a smart ass sometimes I responded with ” No Man Can Handle Me”. Shocking but the question hasn’t came up again. Great post!
February 12th, 2013 at 6:16 pm
Ha. I like that.
My favorite reply is, “The women I’ve met so far just don’t know a good man when he’s standing in-front of them.”
Well, at least that’s the “PC” version of it.
February 14th, 2013 at 9:38 am
My personal favorite is this:
“You’re (totally ) awesome , but this is why I don’t want to date you because… “
February 15th, 2013 at 8:42 am
I would agree…even as having been one who ‘give’ that particular “line”. Not necessarily proud, but it was oddly true. Awesome couldn’t make me feel the necessary feelings.
But, I get it. It definitely doesn’t make anything easier.
February 15th, 2013 at 10:27 am
I’ve never been on the other side of that one. I hope to not be.
February 21st, 2013 at 2:34 pm
I get this all the time. Or the “I don’t understand how you haven’t met someone; you’re too pretty to be single”. UGH! It’s really patronizing, even if it’s somehow meant to be nice. And the most annoying part about it, for me, is the assumption that I want to be something other than single. I enjoy being single and choose to remain that way!
February 23rd, 2013 at 9:06 am
That is definitely something I find myself repeating every time I hear something like that, “They are actually just trying to be nice and pay me a compliment.”
And VERY good point. Society is so extremely focused on the “norm” of finding companionship that some just don’t get understand that there are people who are much happier being single. I respect it and at times highly admire those individuals.
March 27th, 2013 at 9:53 pm
Word!!! I hear it all the time, Nice Guy.
March 28th, 2013 at 8:25 am
It sometimes gets to the point where you think, “If I had a dollar…”